The Three Musketeers (2011)

My rating: 0 of 5 stars

Seriously, with this one I do not know where to start. Well, if you love the book of A.Dumas and if you where anxious to see a decente adaptation of if it DO NOT watch this movie. Absolutely not. I mean seriously I have seen bad adaptations before, but this one is way worst from anything that comes to mind.

If you haven't seen the movie you should be wondering what is wrong with it. Well let's start with the title. Why is it called "The three musketeers" I have absolutely no idea. Not only the plot and the characters have nothing in common with the story of Dumas -nothing but the names of course- but the whole idea of the musketeers and France at this era has been utterly changed and tranformed into something alien and kitsch.

Apart from the fact that they used the popularity of Duma's novel to sell tickets, this movie is very but on it's one. The plot is too loose, the story is not interesting enough, the characters are non-existant, neither bad nor good. Neither villans nor heroes. D'Artagnan is a cocky highschool boy who believes himself to be handsome and brave, the three musketeers are handsome and do some decent sword fighting but the writer or the director didn't bother to exploit their chemistry and do something nice with them and their friendship.

As far as the plot -which plot?- is concerned, well I couldn't make much sense of it and I often wondered if they actually had a script or if they were just running wild in the set. However if they did have a script they should have burned it and read Dumas novel so they would know that Milady was the arch-enemy of the musketeers and never ever worked with them and she was also Athos wife, before he ever consedered being a musketeer. That the affair between the Queen and the Duke of Buckingham was a fact and one of the things that make the story of the musketeers so interesting and that the fleur-de-lis which was branded on Milady's shoulder is essential and absolutely nessesary for understanding her character and for making this story a really good one.

And Milady, ohhh my all time favorite femme fatal. One of the best villains ever writen, charming, full of mystery and sorprises, resourceful and capable of manipulating her way out of almost every possible difficulty. My eternal beauty. My angel with heart of stone. An iconic figure has been turned into nothing. I have been searching all night to find another interpration of a character as bad as this one and seriously nothing comes to mind. I mean even Uma Therman's Poison Ivy is a masterpiece compared to this atrocity. I mean Milla's Milady couldn't even be a comic. Such a waste, such a pity. I mean seriously with Milla's beautiful face they could have done great things with the character but allas they converted her into a trushy red-headed bitch who for some mysterious reason she has Nio's ability to duck bullet's.

Seriously, this is a bad movie, as bad as it can possible be. For our cinema's sake let's hope it cannot be any worst.

DO NOT watch it. Forget it ever happened.